Murky Waters

An Arequipa city map, a napkin and a beer bottle cap sit on the bottom, while condoms and an unused match float in the murky stagnant water of the pool.   I stare at these left overs, left overs of peoples one night mistakes and loss of memory thinking that this is exactly how my brain feels.  Murky and unclean in a stagnant filth of remnants of everyone's good times, bad decisions and memories that may or may not want to be remembered.  I try to sort through the lost inhibitions and dignity for something familiar and solid but I can only find lost moments of what was. Moments that I try to cling too, moments that I want back, moments, I know, that will never be; and so I swim through the murkiness of the polluted water, running out of oxygen, trying to find an opening in everyone's left overs so I can come up for air.

I grasp at anything or anyone that might be able to give me a bit of oxygen, to fill my lungs with some life...but as I search and struggle I realize that everyone around me is swimming in the murky water as well.  I'm not the only one suffocating and searching for breath...my friends are trying to breathe as well...I don't seem to be the only one crashing...everyone around me is crashing.

I look around at the people I have come to love and see as my family, the people who open up their arms and their hearts to me when I'm down. I look at them and see that their magical havoc has stopped and they have crash landed in the dirty waters below.   Whether its, love, a secret, a childhood demon, being lost, not remembering the night before, seeing the demons come out of others or just life itself everyone is crashing.  The music has stopped, the constant laughter we once shared doesn't sail through the halls, the tight unit we had has shifted and changed, the whirlwind we shared has not just stopped for me it has stopped for everyone around me.

The only familiar sound is the clinking of the dice, the overtired playlist at the bar and the shouts of 321 Wild Rover, though even these things seem to have a different feel.  But they continue on as do I, playing my role and over indulging in the dice game and free shots that go down as easy as water these days...masking what I feel so I can get through the nights that no longer have what they once had.

The loneliness of traveling can seem unbearable at times, even though I am a solo traveler and am always surrounded by others that I meet along the way I can feel more alone then anything.  The once familiar quietness seems daunting that I hesitate to go towards its familiar sound of sobriety, focus and contentment; yet I can feel the warmth and the comfort of its security inviting me to come back...and I want to go back...I need to go back...its the only way I can find my gust of wind and keep floating instead of just lightly brushing along the surface hitting stray objects as I move in circles.

People keep saying "you should be used to this, its the life of a feather," and trust me I know, and its a beautiful life...I can't complain, even in down times I don't regret anything...but that doesn't mean it is always easier and that I won't fall into murky waters of leftovers and lost memories...sometimes we need to fall...its ok to lose sight of things and get swept up with others and ride the wind and swirl around,  to be swept up into a magical havoc, but it has to stop and you must fall...because even though it hurts it reminds us that we are human...that we feel, that we love that we bleed.  We need to be reminded of these things because when we are swirling in the havoc of the winds we feel invincible, that nothing can break us, and then  it stops and we fall amongst memories. Falling tests our strengths and abilities and let's us know what we are made of...and I know what I'm made of...I have grown so much in the past four years and know that even after crashing nothing can stop me.  Obstacles may slow me down, emotions may confuse me and my brain may get murky like the pool water or the smoke filled bar, I will fight my way through the waters, find that one ray of sunlight breaking through the almost non-existent visibility and follow it to the surface where oxygen and life will pump through me and lift me up onto my gust of wind to take me back on route of my destiny.  For I am a feather on the wind and I am meant to float and travel where my wind takes me.

                                                                                             - My Beautiful Life -





 

Feathers

Four years ago I hopped on a plane and started this incredible journey that is my life. I have been to 15 countries, traveled thousands of miles, held a monkey, been sky diving, walked the streets of the stars, fell in love, went back to my family roots,  have had long hours of bus rides, counltless hours of layovers, road tripped across my country, drank copious amounts of alcohol, fell in love, found myself, lost myself, seen incredible things, been to incredible places, met amazing people and now am lucky enough to have friends spread all over the world.  I have wandered this beautiful planet not knowing what to do or where to go next.  Like a feather on the wind I let fate take me on the path I am supposed to take and it has never taken me the wrong way.

I am so greatful for all the things I have seen, places I've been and people I have met for they are all part of this incredible journey I am lucky enough to call my life.

It can be a lonely journey at times and other times it is so full of life and love it's hard when each feather hops on its gust of wind that takes them on the path of their journey. Some feathers blow in and out of your life so fast it's hard to remember their colours...others may be around for weeks maybe a month or two at the most but nothing longer.  Meetings and friendships are short lived as floating feathers never really settle.  

Gusts of wind carrying feathers are always swirling around creating a harmonious havoc that has a tendency to cloud your mind but yet it's so beautiful you never want the moments to die and then another gust comes creating more havoc taking some feathers with it and leaving new ones behind all for more beauty and cloudiness to take place again.

Friendships and relationships are intensified in these gusts of havoc. You become so close so fast and sometimes only for a night but yet those moments, those talks, those feathers are the most important ones in your life and it almost seems impossible that you just met but already have to say goodbye.  Some goodbyes are harder than others. Sometimes it's a hug and an "add me on Facebook", other times tears are shed with the hug, then there are the goodbyes that are more painful then anything you could imagine.  This happens when the wind stops.  It slowly dies down taking feathers one by one and then it stops completely leaving you to be dropped on the earth below of left over beer bottles, cigarette butts, dirty socks, a forgotten flip flop and some other feathers you have never seen before making your once familiar surroundings feeling like a place you don't know.  Reality of your lost floating kicks in and you realize that you are once again on your own and you need to find your gust to get you back on your floating path.

 It's hard to focus as you get so used to swirling around that being stationary makes you dizzy with emotion and confusion wondering how you can survive reality.  The quietness seems so loud and unfamiliar you wish another gust would pick you up and swirl you into its beautiful havoc just to feel safe as being on your own is no longer familiar or seems possible. It's unbareable and painful and you miss your feathers...the ones that were swirling with you long enough to make a difference, the ones that cared and floated and swirled at the same speed as you loving every minute of the beautiful havoc that was magical.  You want to know where they went and why they left or didn't take you on their gusts of wind with them?

It's hard to accept that sometimes we just can't get on that gust with someone, even though it may be something you both want it's just not the right gust for both of you as we must all float where our gust takes us not somebody else's.

Unfortunately two of my feathers had to float their own gusts leaving me in the rubble of last nights jäger bombs, new faces and an empty heart.

You don't always realize what other feathers are to you until the wind dies down and they keep floating and you fall.

I miss my feathers with all of my heart.  I'm afraid the leftovers I have landed in are going to be difficult for me to clean up and get back on my gust.

Phil you were my second half, we spent every waking moment together doing everything from drinking brass monkeys, sharing meals, hanging out in the hammocks and talking about nothing and me listening to your randomness that I love so much.  Infected and swollen feet became a thing, watching the World Cup, free shots, ABC parties, smurf parties, nap time, tying your foot to the top bunk, that's how we roll in my neighborhood and I'm the only one, Circus, being at Déjà vu till all hours of the morning, me not remembering how to get home, chicken sandwiches, hostel feet, the witch bar, free shots, snuggles, hopping  a fence to pick me flowers, throwing socks in Ceyhans window and an incredible three weeks.  I miss you more than words can say and the hole in my life that you have left seems unbearable. I still expect to see you when I get home from work only left with the reality that your gust of wind took you a week ago I wish our gusts were going the same way but I know they are not and the swirling havoc we shared has made it impossible for me to grasp the reality that you were swept away on the path that you are meant to take as I'm still here in a place I loved so much feeling unfamiliar. I feel like a part if me left with you on the gust of wind you had to take...I just hope you keep it close to your heart.

Ceyhan...you are my family, my bestfriend and confidant and my brother.  The last two months have been a wild ride of beer pong, free shots, jäger bombs, hiking Misti, a horrible day trip, being broken hearted together, being depressed at the witch bar, chicken sandwiches, Circus, late night staff meetings, talks, hugs, teachers nights (there were so many), theme parties, I have an idea let's paint ourselves blue...absolutely the worst idea ever, brass monkeys and being eachothers support system. A gust of wind took Phil out of my life leaving me devastated and broken and now you hopped on your gust and blew out of my life too soon.  You were my life line, my oxygen and I feel like I can't breath now that you are gone.  You and Phil were my world and with both of you gone I feel like I'm floating off out of orbit even though I have crashed into last nights leftovers.  I know I have had feathers leave before but you two have been the toughest ones to let blow away...I am an emotional reck without you guys here and the worst part is you guys are the ones I float to when I feel like this and now both of you have floated away.  However, I'm a tough little feather and I know I will clean up our left overs of magic keeping some little tokens for myself and get back on my gust of wind that will take me where I need to go...hopefully meeting up with yours along the way.  I love you two so much and you both have made such a mark on my heart it's hard to let go of what was.  I'm so proud of both of you for getting back on your gust and going where you need to go weather it's to clear your head, find yourself...or to go home and sleep in the comfort of your own bed...whatever it is and wherever you may be please don't forget this little feather who loves you and misses you for she will be riding her gust soon to come and float by.

Rovers for Life

We were rockstars

- My Beautiful Life -